Comfort

My favorite blogger does a "Five Minute Friday" every Friday. She writes (and encourages others to write) for five minutes about a single word. Today, it's comfort. That's a hard one for me. I liken comfort to feeling free. I have never really felt comfort. I have been comforted. I have comforted others. But to truly feel comfort, never. Comfort always eludes me. It's always just beyond my grasp. I long for comfort, to really feel free. Free to be me, free to love me, free to accept me. I wonder if that will ever happen or will my perfectionism keep that at bay. Like the shores of the ocean lapping at my feet but never rushing over my toes. Like the sun coming up in the morning but never warming my face. I long for comfort. I need comfort.

Focus

In this crazy world and our busy life, it is sooo easy to lose focus. The days seem to pass with hardly a mention of Your name. Am I really that busy? Am I so busy that I forget to enjoy the beauty that You have placed around me? I think not. Even though I don't talk about You much during the day, each night I think about how very lucky I am to have You to walk with me. You were there with the birds singing above us. You were there with the lizards scurrying on the ground. You were there in the rising waters as nature reclaimed its own. You were there in every breath that my exhausted body craved. And...You are here now as my day unwinds. You are here as the memories of today are being filed away for stories to share with my future grandchildren. And...You will be there in those stories, in the memories. Just as I have shared You with my children, I will share You with my future grandchildren. I will do my best to show them the beauty of Your world around us just like I shared it with Audrey's friends today.

Backseat

Today, I'm taking the backseat. I'm not fond of it but I want to get used to it. The backseat has always felt like a cop-out, like an excuse. I have punished myself many of times by thinking "I could have done more," "I should have done different," or " I should have been better." Today, I take the backseat. Not that I don't want to help out. I just want to watch. I want to feel the excitement of seeing things from the sidelines. The backseat isn't good or bad...just another view.

Landscaping

My husband and I spent our Sunday afternoon working in our front yard. When we bought the house 8+ years ago, we had grand plans. But this weekend, we made a big mess of our "landscaping" ideas. We planted bushes and built up a small brick wall. We dug up bulbs and weeds. We laid down landscaping fabric to keep out future weeds. We worked ourselves into a tizzy. Of course, my perfectionist mind had bigger dreams. I couldn't stop fixing and moving and digging and planting and and and... When I finally stepped back to take a look, I was displeased...but still happy. It has a long way to go but looks leaps and bounds better than it did. I wonder if God feels the same way about me. Does He dig up my selfish ways and replant me with His love? Does He step back with disappointment because I have so very far to go? Does He still feel happy that I am trying? Does He cross His fingers hoping His love will take root and bloom in me? Will He keep digging up the weeds in my heart, knowing that they will return slowly but surely? Maybe I am looking at it wrong... Maybe I am not the landscape. Maybe my family is the landscape and I am the gardener that He has chosen to care for His them. He has put me in charge of not letting the weeds take root in their hearts. He wants me to feed them with His word and help them learn how to soak up the rays of His love. I pray that I can be a good gardener to His landscape. Here's to showing them how great it is to bask in His love!

Clean-up

Why is it so hard to "clean up"? It is way more fun to make the mess. It's the same for our lives as it is for our kitchen. We spend our time making memories. Then, somewhere along the line, we get off track. We become enthralled with the fun, the laughter, the excitement. We lose site of our life goal, of our purpose. We are entranced with the feel-goods. I know God wants us to enjoy life. But, He also wants us to clean up as we go. If we make a mistake, we are supposed to recognize it, correct it, and make amends to those that we have hurt (especially Christ). If I keep making mistakes without stopping to "clean up," then I will have quite a mess to contend with after all the fun is done. God does not expect my life to be perfect. In fact, He expects all of us to make mistakes. But, He also expects us to clean up after ourselves. He expects us to recognize our messes and deal with them - just like our Heavenly Father should!

Choices

Today, I'm blinded by my choices. Choices that I have made, choices that I didn't make, and choices that I should have made. Sometimes, I cannot see past the everyday to see the big picture. The picture God sees. The picture that really matters. I know I've messed up with some of my choices. But, on the flip side, I've made some really good choices. The choice to marry my husband, the choice to have two beautiful children, the choice that I make every day to try to be the kind of mom that my daughter can aspire to be. I'm not perfect, my choices aren't perfect. God loves me anyways. He knows that, deep in my heart, I truly desire to serve Him. That I want to live out the version of myself that He intended for me to be. And, even when my choices take me down a different path, He can repave the rest of that path to end right where He wants/needs me to be. He loves all of me, imperfect me! ;)

Amazing Love

Most people complain when their child gets sick on a weekend. I'm not most people. I selfishly enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong, I hate it when my babies get sick but you won’t hear me complaining if it happens during my time off. You see, during the week, I would be frantic trying to find someone to watch him/her. I would feel like a failure of a mother all day for having to go to work while my little one needs me. Also, I would feel like a failure of a worker all day if I had to call in sick to my employer. It is always a lose/lose situation. However, on the weekend, I get to be the doting mommy that my kids long for and deserve. I get a glow about me and take pride in my mothering skills knowing that my babies are not having to wait for someone else to figure out what a grunt or a whine is all about. I carried both of them in my body. I have every part of their being embedded in my very soul. I am so very grateful for the family that I have because they will drop just about everything to help us out. And, Ryan is always willing to keep them at home if he can, even when he has to take off work to do it. However, I yearn and ache to hold and comfort them in their time of need. Many have tried but NO ONE (that is on Earth) can duplicate the love of a devoted mother. I pray for those out there that have never known of the love that I am speaking. It is a genuine, one-of-a-kind feeling. It is a fire that surrounds and engulfs you, creating warmth that no amount of water can douse. I look to God when I need that kind of love. I don’t look to him near enough as I should and maybe that is why it is so difficult to forgive my own mom. Just like a mother's love, God’s love is also never-ceasing, all-engulfing, and blissfully-tender. And no one can duplicate His love, not even a devoted mother!