When you call on Jesus...

I am trying to practice what the bible preaches on forgiveness. I struggle every day with learning to forgive. I keep telling myself that I don’t know how to forgive. The truth is that I don’t want to. I am so afraid of being hurt again and again. If I forgive my mom the way Jesus wants me to, I would have to let her get close again. However, I am bombarded with questions and doubt. Will she ever choose me? How can she love him and me at the same time? How can she have sex with him knowing that he performed oral sex on me, a child barely 8 years old? How can she look at him and not see the pain that she causes me? How can she not try harder to be the mom that I need? What about her two beautiful grandchildren that she misses out on? Do they not matter more than a “relationship” with him? How do I forgive and protect my heart, my soul, my very being?

The answer, as you could guess, is to call on Jesus. I call out His name, constantly asking Him to help me be ready to forgive. I know that through Him all things are possible. I know that He will be there to hold me when my entire world comes crumbling down again. You see, He already has been there. Every time that I have sat and cried in my own puddle of sorrow, He has held me and comforted me. I know that He does not promise us to be pain-free but He does promise us His love and forgiveness. He wants me to love and forgive others in the same way that He loves and forgives them. I was praying the other day and asked God “how do I know that they have asked for Your forgiveness?” He gently reminded me that repentance is for His benefit, not mine. My mom does not have to ask for my forgiveness. She can and does go on through life without ever having to be forgiven by me.

Dear Lord,

Please help me to be the woman that you intended on me to be. Help me to forgive the ones that have done wrong to me because, ultimately, they did those things to You. I am Your child and I want to make you happy. You are who I want to be comforted by. I pray to You, Lord, for forgiveness for my mom, the forgiveness that I cannot give her. Lord, please rest my weakened spirit. Let me draw comfort and wisdom from You. Please guide me in the way that I should go. Help me find the path to true forgiveness, Your forgiveness.

In Jesus’ precious name, Amen

Nicole Dooley

 

"To God be the glory! Amen"