Forgiveness

I am overwhelmed with the thought of forgiveness. Oddly, it’s not forgiveness for another. It’s forgiveness for me. I have spent my whole life being hard on myself, especially in the last three years when I fought two years FOR my marriage and let it go in the last year. As if fell apart, I blamed myself more that anyone else. I foolishly believed that it was within my sole control to make my marriage better, to make it strong, to make it last. One day, at the bottom of my pit, my then-pastor preached a sermon about how God chips away what is not of Him. He encouraged us to pray for God to do this to us so that we can grow closer to Him. That day, I prayed for God to take out of my life what was not of Him. And, in the following months, He did just that. He took away my false sense of security. He took away my failing marriage. He took away a family that I had drawn so close. He took away the image of what I thought my life had to look like. But, for each thing that he chipped away, He replaced it with more love, more encouragement, more faith, more forgiveness than I have ever known. I love God. I have always loved Him. But, now, I know He loves me. He forgives me. I know it and I feel it. And now it’s time to give the same forgiveness to myself. You see, I am soooooo scared to mess up, to fail. I have always felt this way. The really cool thing is that I am okay with that now. I am okay with messing up. I am okay with making mistakes. I am okay with back-sliding. I am okay that my pendulum does not rest in dead-center. It swings from side to side. I am going to make many more mistakes in the however-many years that God had me on this earth. And I am okay with that. I will forgive myself because He has already forgiven me.

Easy

I think I've frolicked in complicated for far too long. Tonight, I had a taste of easy. It was a good easy, a comfortable easy. I wasn't intimidated or scared. Easy was nice, but foreign. I'm left with thoughts of reality. How does my reality look with easy? Can I accomodate this easy feeling? Can I really break through, past all that is complicated and enjoy easy? I know with God's abundant grace that I can. Deep down, I know that He never intended for me to live in complicated. But complicated was home. It was all I knew. It's how I grew up. It's all I thought existed. In all that I have given up in the last year, complicated has been the hardest concept to let go of. I am so looking forward this new, this easy. God is definitely good...all the time.  

Giving

Three months ago, I gave my marriage over to God. I told him that all of my "fixing" didn't work. I knew that he was the only Mender. I was powerless against the negative that had taken over. Don't get me wrong, I still worked on myself. I still prayed that God would bring healing, that this damaged ship would not sink. Now, I am looking back at the wreckage, the massive carnage that is left behind. My marriage has come to a tragic end. But I still hold on to my faith. Giving over doesn't mean that God will fix. Giving over means that you relinquish all control to Him. You give it to Him to work on. That doesn't mean He does your plan but that you are willing to follow His plan. God can  take all bad things and make them good. He can, and does, take the broken and make it whole. I have absolute faith that God will work a miracle in my life. I know that He will take this really big hurt and use it for His good works. He is mighty. He is awesome. He loves me and He knows my heart's desire. He not only knows but will honor my true needs. His plan for my life is far greater than I can even imagine. I prayed for healing in my marriage. For whatever reason, that was not in His plan. Or maybe it was but God knows that it would have taken two willing parties for a marital success. No matter the circumstance or reason, God will use me and the lessons that I have learned. He will continue teaching me to walk in His path. He will light the way for me, no matter how dark the clouds make it seem. These are the truths that I know God has promised. He has promised them to me and He has promised them to you. 

Pain

This week, I was reading about the sick woman in Mark 5:25-34. She had bled for 12 years and had exhausted all of her money with doctors that could not heal her. She was ashamed and excluded, your average outcast. She came to a gathering where Jesus was. As she made her way through the crowd that encompassed Jesus, she reached out, hoping to do nothing more than graze his cloak with the tips of her fingers. She had complete faith that her affliction would be healed just by this slight touch. When she brushes his garment, she was immediately healed. Mark 5:29b says "she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering." Oh to be free! Isn't that what we all long for? Free from the pain of an illness or bodily injury. Free from the pain of an emotional hurt. Free from the bondages of sin that hold us back from the life Christ desires for us. What is truly amazing to me is how Jesus responded. When he felt the power leave him, he turned and questioned "Who touched my clothes?" After he saw the woman, she fell to His feet and told Him the truth. This is what moved me...He did not scold her or shame her. He tenderly called her His daughter. He said "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." One of my favorite authors recently said "Pain is pain." Whether the pain is from a physical injury, an emotional injury, or a spiritual injury, the pain is real. It just hurts. Whether the pain is self-inflicted or caused by others, it still hurts. Jesus wants us to bring our pain to Him. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in "feeling" the pain that we forget that God himself came down to Earth and lived the most painful life ever known. He hung on the cross - physical injury. He was betrayed by His own people - emotional injury. From the cross, He even cried out "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" - spiritual injury. No matter the depth or severity of our pain, God promises to heal our pain. We only have to take it to Him, reach out for His cloak, and fall to His feet. 

Dear Lord, I take my pain to you. Only You know the true pain that lies within me and only You can take it away. I know you promise to heal me. But I also know that may not happen in this life. Lord, please show me how to use this pain to chip away the parts of me that are not of You. Give me the grace to forgive myself and to forgive others. Help me to be more like You. In Your precious name, Amen. 

Comfort

My favorite blogger does a "Five Minute Friday" every Friday. She writes (and encourages others to write) for five minutes about a single word. Today, it's comfort. That's a hard one for me. I liken comfort to feeling free. I have never really felt comfort. I have been comforted. I have comforted others. But to truly feel comfort, never. Comfort always eludes me. It's always just beyond my grasp. I long for comfort, to really feel free. Free to be me, free to love me, free to accept me. I wonder if that will ever happen or will my perfectionism keep that at bay. Like the shores of the ocean lapping at my feet but never rushing over my toes. Like the sun coming up in the morning but never warming my face. I long for comfort. I need comfort.

Focus

In this crazy world and our busy life, it is sooo easy to lose focus. The days seem to pass with hardly a mention of Your name. Am I really that busy? Am I so busy that I forget to enjoy the beauty that You have placed around me? I think not. Even though I don't talk about You much during the day, each night I think about how very lucky I am to have You to walk with me. You were there with the birds singing above us. You were there with the lizards scurrying on the ground. You were there in the rising waters as nature reclaimed its own. You were there in every breath that my exhausted body craved. And...You are here now as my day unwinds. You are here as the memories of today are being filed away for stories to share with my future grandchildren. And...You will be there in those stories, in the memories. Just as I have shared You with my children, I will share You with my future grandchildren. I will do my best to show them the beauty of Your world around us just like I shared it with Audrey's friends today.

Backseat

Today, I'm taking the backseat. I'm not fond of it but I want to get used to it. The backseat has always felt like a cop-out, like an excuse. I have punished myself many of times by thinking "I could have done more," "I should have done different," or " I should have been better." Today, I take the backseat. Not that I don't want to help out. I just want to watch. I want to feel the excitement of seeing things from the sidelines. The backseat isn't good or bad...just another view.